1. Use an unpronounceable name and make everyone repeat it until they get it right.
2. Ignore everyone in the elevator and hallway but suddenly “turn on” once you’re inside the event with your name tag on and start shaking hands with everyone.
3. Stare over your conversation partner’s shoulder and maintain a running commentary on who is talking with whom.
4. Come up with a business idea for everyone you talk to that would use your services. Insist on discussing this at length.
5. Attend the event because you’re looking for a job but hide that information.
6. Describe yourself using any of the following terms: growth catalyst, value creator, futurist, innovator, expert, or visionary [this list is subject to change].
7. Men Only: Shake a woman’s fingers instead of her whole hand.
8. Men Only: Go into a frat house greeting ritual when you meet a guy you know, including fist-bumping and name-calling.
9. Women Only: Hook up with another woman and admire each other’s shoes.
10. Women Only: Speak in code to a woman you know about personal issues, complete with wink-wink, nudge-nudge innuendos.
11. Describe in detail how jet-lagged you are because of your travel schedule (which you also describe in detail).
12. Explain how lucky everyone is that you made it there because you almost didn’t.
13. Talk on the phone. Please, just hang up or leave. Or both.
Copyright © 2012 Jennifer K. Crittenden